baudown | And All Was Said, Part 7 (Spike/Xander, NC-17)

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And All Was Said, Part 7 (Spike/Xander, NC-17)

Title: And All Was Said (Part 7)
Author: baudown
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Wish I did.
Summary: Xander's got a little something on the side. Alternate season 5ish where nothing whatsoever is happening to any other characters.
Feedback: Totally grateful for any you're willing to offer.

Parts 1-6 here: http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=baudown&keyword=And%20All%20Was%20Said&filter=all

Tonight, Xander's on his back, and Spike has been working him over for what seems like hours. Teasing him, torturing him, with his fingers and hands; his mouth and teeth and tongue. Making him buck and squirm. Bringing him right to the edge, then pulling him back; firing him up to a boil, and lowering him down to a simmer, again and again, until Xander's body is one heated, anxious, jangling nerve. Until he's begging. Until, finally, he wrenches away and begins to position himself, starts to raise up on his knees.

"No," he hears Spike say, and when he looks, it's Spike who's on his knees, elbows on the mattress, forearms reaching above his head, face buried in the pillow. Xander freezes for a moment, it hasn't clicked, until there's a muffled "please," and you don't have to ask him twice, nope, once is plenty. He scrambles into place, rests one hand on Spike's hip, and runs the other down the cleft of Spike's ass, and, oh, fuck, Spike is ready, he's already slicked himself up. He's slicked himself up before Xander got here, and the lewd, lovely image of Spike doing that, the idea of him wanting and waiting and preparing to get fucked -- to get fucked by Xander -- is the hottest thing imaginable. At least, until he actually pushes inside and feels all that strength closing around him. Until he starts to move.

And oh. Oh.

He's fucking Spike. Fucking him.

So tight, so tight, his dick feels huge inside, bigger and thicker and harder than it's ever felt before. Like a bludgeon, like a battering ram, opening Spike up, making Spike tremble with it. And okay, it's the first time he's done this, but he's got it, he's got it down, and -- ohhhh. Oh man, that's good. Good for Spike, too, because Xander hears, "Fuck, yeah. Fuck, like that, god, Xander, just like that. Oh, Christ, fuck me, don't stop, please." Curses and prayers in a steady, groaning stream that spur him on, thrusting harder, holding fast, fingers kneading bruises into Spike's bony hips.

Below him, the blur of a tossing blonde head. The muscles straining in Spike's neck, his shoulders, his arms. The frantic, backward motion as Spike works himself onto Xander's dick, like he can't get enough, but he'll kill himself trying. The hypnotic, slap-slap chorus of flesh against flesh. His dick, hard and wet, sinking into Spike's ass, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut, or he'll lose it, he can't. Twisting up, around, finding angles that force shocked, guttural noises from Spike's throat. Spike clenching around him with a fierce, filthy pressure, and that's what it feels like. Like every nerve in his body is firing, like he's on fire, like he's going to explode from a massive pleasure overload. Fucking Spike the way Spike fucks him, and he knows, he knows now, what that is. Fucking so he can touch Spike everywhere, to make Spike feel him everywhere. Fucking to get closer, as close as he can, to go so deep that Spike is all around him, like a second skin, like another self.

He wants to see Spike's face; he needs to; so he pulls Spike up against him, and Spike's face is rapturous, beautiful, changing under Xander's stroking fingers. Like he's straining for something, just out of reach, head thrashing, jaws snapping, still beautiful, beautiful; and Xander's reaching, too, for something nameless, or unnamed, beyond the flame of his spine, beyond his bow-strung muscles, beyond his beating heart, his blood, his flesh. So close, almost touching, almost there, and his hand is on Spike's dick, feverish and fast, and --

"Come with me, come with me, Spike."

And Spike does, Spike's body ripples and pulses around him, and if that feeling could just go on, just go on, because he never guessed, never hoped, never, never even dreamed that giving and taking could be the same thing; and he thinks, Spike, oh Spike. And there are strangled cries and roaring, and he comes, passing himself into Spike's body as Spike spills into his hand

He's somewhere white, white, white for a while, and then he comes back to himself. Back in the crypt again, back in Spike's bed again, still inside Spike. He slips out, slowly, sighing, and collapses onto his back in a sweaty, wrung-out heap. Smiling up at the ceiling and thinking, wow. He never would have asked for this, not ever. He's fantasized about it, of course, in minute and lurid detail -- but in the same abstract way that he holds a lottery ticket in his hand and meticulously plans how he'll spend his millions. It's remarkable to him that Spike wanted this, wanted Xander like this; and he's joyful and sated; sleepy and spent. Most of all, though, he's profoundly grateful. But not just for tonight. Not only for this. And he doesn't say these things out loud, but he doesn't think he has to, because he's said them already, with his body. It's how they speak to each other, with their bodies, and it's better than words.

He drops his head to the side, toward Spike, and Spike is looking at him, his face human and soft and open. And Spike lifts up on one arm, and puts a hand on Xander's face, and kisses him.

That kiss is Spike's body speaking to him again, and he hears what it's saying, with perfect clarity. He knows, now, why they haven't kissed before. Because that kiss is Spike speaking about love, and what it says is too loud and too hard and Xander doesn’t want to listen.

It's a shitty thing to do, he knows it, it's awful, but Xander jerks away. And worse, he wipes a hand across his mouth. A shredded sound rasps from Spike's throat, something raw and ugly, like he's swallowed ground glass; and for the briefest moment, he looks at Xander, hollow-eyed, barren, his face like a wound. Xander's cold, suddenly, but he's pouring sweat, and a panicked, warning voice in his head is screaming: don't do it, this is Spike, this is Spike! He wants to take it back, if he could just rewind those last seconds, but it's too late now, it's done. Spike's eyes have gone flat, and his face is a smooth, white mask, and it's business as usual, nothing to see here, folks, move it along. Spike swings around to sit on the edge of the bed, his back to Xander, and there's the clink and scrape of the lighter and the curling brown smell of tobacco.

"Gone half-past," Spike says. "Witching hour, nearly. Best shower and get home, before you're missed." His voice is even and unperturbed, betraying nothing. "There's clean towels," he adds, with mundane finality, and his head tilts back as he blows a stream of blue-gray smoke heavenward.

Part 8: http://baudown.livejournal.com/9687.html

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Oh, Xander no... Don't do that to Spike. :(

Please tell me they'll work things out...

Great chapter :)

I know, I know, it's terrible. But I offer no hints as to the future. Only one part left, though, so I won't torture you for too much longer.

Thank you!

Oh...you've made me cry.

Thank you for sharing.

The good kind of crying, I hope!

My heart hurts from hurting Spike.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Because that kiss is Spike speaking about love, and what it says is too loud and too hard and Xander doesn’t want to listen.

No.....

Oh hell, that hurts so much. I can't even demand that you make it better given my own track record with angst, but...

I know, I'm horrible. What's wrong with me?

Must...stop...torturing...Spike.

Damn!!!
Xander!!! Shit!!

Exactly!

Xander will NEVER deserve Spike. I don't see how they can come back together after this, but await the last section with bated breath to see if it is possible.

It's really unforgivable.

Or is it?

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Xander, you son of a b....! (Sorry, but he is sooo mean!)
*hugs poor Spike and never wanna let go the poor vampie*
How could he do such a terrible thing to a man who gives everything to him?!
Hope for a happy ending, but it has to be very good for both of them! :)

It really is awful, and there are no excuses, but try not to hate Xander too, too much. He's had a lot of denial working, and he's figuring stuff out and it's a lot -- his sexuality, his feelings about vampires, about Spike, about the kind of future he wants. And he's very, very young. But I know it's difficult to be understanding when Spike is there with his heart all stomped on.

Thanks so much for leaving feedback! But no promises about the ending. *g*

I sort of stumbled across this story while wandering through the community and when I clicked the first chapter, I got stuck. I loved every high and low of it, though I'm usually not big on "cheating Xander" stories.
Like Xander, though, I blocked that bit out quite niftily in the back of my brain to keep reading. But then this chapter came and it broke my heart. Hope that last chapter glues things back together!

Powerful story, well done.

Thank you so much for this wonderful comment. I'm glad you stumbled by!

I generally don't like CheatinXander either, so I was surprised to find myself writing this. Then again, as much as I think I dislike certain genres of story, I not infrequently find myself reading something and thinking, "Huh, I guess I don't mind (insert genre) as much as I thought I did." So I'm really happy that you've enjoyed this story despite your dislike of the whole cheatin' trope.

As for the ending: all I can say is, keep your fingers crossed.

So you know that feeling when it's been a long day, but you're finally done and you're carrying your groceries up a flight of stairs to your final destination and you can feel one of the bags giving way. You think "It's just a couple more steps, I can make it," and you hurry your pace but it's too late; the handle snaps and the bag splits and everything tumbles out, back down the stairs and you look back down at everything and you feel like standing up straight is just too much effort anymore.

Yeah, that was me when I read "he wipes a hand across his mouth", only about 100x more tragic than groceries.

Like

tucker_t above, I don't know how they can come back together from this in just one more installment of this story. I feel like that's just not enough time to clean up the mess all over the stairs, but I've been wrong before and here's hoping I am again.

Edited 2012-10-15 17:09 (UTC)

God, do I know the feeling. Like you've been defeated by that one, final indignity. And that mouth-wiping is about the worst kind of indignity I can think of. I went back and forth about that line -- I nearly cut it several times -- because it made me so uncomfortable. It made even me furious at Xander, despite my loving him and having a lot of sympathy for him in this, and I was very worried that readers might just get fed up and turn on him. I hope that hasn't happened.

And wow, I'm extremely nervous about the ending now. I hope it resolves itself in a way that isn't disappointing.

Like you've been defeated by that one, final indignity. Yes, this, exactly. I definitely understand your conflict about that line, but I think it's good that you kept it (as much as it pains me to say so).

The action feels almost unintentional, like Xander just automatically reached up and did it, and didn't think about what he was doing or what it would mean. That he immediately regrets it saves him from from reader mutiny, I think. (Doesn't mean we're not mad at him, though.) But it should make you uncomfortable, since it makes Xander uncomfortable and this is a story told from his perspective. Whatever he's feeling we should be feeling too, to some degree, and I think you've achieved that here.

I didn't mean to make you nervous about the ending; I'm sorry! What I meant was that I often see stories where we reach the tipping point very late in the game and then the quick-to-follow resolution feels like an almost literal "kiss and make up" situation, where everyone just forgives everyone else and no one ever really processes the hurt. It makes me (as a reader) question why the climax was such a big deal in the first place if the characters can let it go so easily. You have some big stuff to resolve (Anya, Xander's feelings about Spike, Xander's decision about his feelings about Spike, Spike's reaction to everything I mentioned, Anya again), but I'm not afraid that you're going to do what I just talked about. My concern is that forgiveness might come too easily, and by its ease appear hollow. Spike is (to me) a guy who hurts deeply and isn't quick to forgive, even those whom he cares about, but he's regularly cast in a Love Conquers All role. I really shouldn't be worried, as you've done a great job at characterization so far, but my fears aren't necessarily rational. And there's probably also an element of me not wanting to see the end of a good story (What's the quote? "If a story is well-written it's always too short"?). That said, I trust you and I am ready to see how it ends

It was definitely meant as an unintentional act -- a reflexive, bad impulse -- but rooted in the reluctance and panic he's experiencing.

I was already nervous about the ending to some degree, so you're not to blame! And while there's definitely a resolution, I don't think everything will be resolved, necessarily.

This:
"Spike is (to me) a guy who hurts deeply and isn't quick to forgive, even those whom he cares about, but he's regularly cast in a Love Conquers All role." -- This is interesting. Not addressing this story in particular: I agree that Spike does experience hurt deeply, and it informs his entire character. I also think he may not be forgiving. But I also think that he won't let go of the person he loves, no matter how badly that person has hurt him, and despite the fact that he may not actually forgive that person. Even when the person has flat-out rejected him, abused him physically and emotionally, he won't walk away. He stays until the other person definitively leaves him. (The only time he ever willingly walks away is at the very end of the series, although it's debatable whether it's really love he's walking away from, and what his own thoughts about that are). His intense need to love and be loved is both his greatest gift and his greatest weakness. So I think that while love may not conquer all, when it comes to Spike, love resigns itself to all.

I agree that Spike is unlikely to let go of someone he loves, no matter how badly they treat him, but I'll be honest: I didn't come to fanfiction to watch S6 all over again.

"Love resigns itself to all" is a good way to put it, but why should he have to resign himself to this? I guess my bigger gripe is that people take advantage of Spike's nature in this case and his partner gets off easy. This makes it seem like even though the partner has professed their love/devotion Spike doesn't really believe it, and above all what I want for Spike is to be loved and know it, undoubtedly.

I guess a case could be made for a post S7 Spike who doesn't resign himself to his partner anymore. As you pointed out, it's his choice to leave at the end of the show (regardless of the veracity of Buffy's claim) and I think a case could be made for him finally processing what happened with his mother as him leaving someone behind (albeit 120+ years after the event). That would actually be a really interesting and more believable (IMO) take on why Spike would choose not to seek Buffy out and might be open to another relationship instead. Hmm.

Anyway, thanks for this discussion! I've struggled before with nailing down exactly what I'm looking for (emotionally) from BTVS fanfiction and this conversation has helped me solidify some of those thoughts.

I agree with everything you've said here (not a big surprise, because I feel like we're more or less on the same page about this stuff).

I only ever started reading fanfic because of Spike. Because I loved him so much and was looking for him to have a happy ending. I originally shipped Spuffy, hard, because I so wanted Spike to have what he wanted. I wanted him to be loved right. But I think I eventually came to terms with how their relationship played out in the show. As painful as their ending is, I accept it as the appropriate one. I have a lot of thoughts about what the ending means to and for Spike ( and Buffy, too) so I won't go into it here -- it would take ages. But this is really what started my drift into slash.

But yeah, when it comes to fanfic, I want better for Spike re: love. I don't want him to settle for less than he should. But it's something he does, and it's essential to who he is, and it both makes me hurt for him and love him. And I guess I feel like that particular truth is something that can't be ignored in how his relationships evolve in fanfic. Not that the relationship necessarily has to end on that note, but that his resignation to being loved too little is going to inform how his relationships progress. Or how they don't.

I feel really awful that I haven't been able to reply to this or comment on the last part of the story yet, but we'll see how much time I can squeeze in now.

This: "I only ever started reading fanfic because of Spike. Because I loved him so much and was looking for him to have a happy ending. I originally shipped Spuffy, hard, because I so wanted Spike to have what he wanted. I wanted him to be loved right." When I read that I was amazed and immediately called my best friend and read it to him to see if I was crazy. "Wow," he said, "that is exactly what you told me when you got into the BTVS fandom, verbatim." It was kinda eerie, but mostly AWESOME to see you say the same thing.

With that in mind, I still read Spuffy occasionally, though not with the passion that I once did. I think that I partially, like you, came to terms with their ending, but more than that I regularly felt like a lot of what I was reading just wasn't satisfying me the way I wanted it to. I gravitated toward end-of/summer-after-S5 AUs in particular; stories set in or post S6/7 mostly reflected what I said before.

I drifted over into slash after that. I already had a predilection for it - when I told my friends that I was reading het they all asked if I was feeling okay - but also it opened up the possibility that Spike could actually get what I wanted for him without me feeling like there was some sort of compromise going on. With that said, I agree: Spike settles for what he can get because he'd rather have something than nothing, and he is resigned to the fact that he'll never have it all. But I remain hopeful that he can have it all and also be convinced that it's real and he deserves it.

See? We are simpatico about these things. It's nice. I mean it -- it's really nice. I'm not immune to Spuffy either, especially if I'm re-watching those seasons. It's a very compelling relationship, and transgressive in a lot of ways.

Also -- very happy to hear from you. I suspected (strongly) that you would have certain issues/problems with the last chapter, and that possibly you were reluctant to leave negative comments. But even if that's the case -- if RL permits and you do get a chance, I'd like to hear your thoughts, even negative ones (if they aren't utterly soul-destroying)!

Xander is going to hurt two people who love him isn't he?

I think he already has.

Don't hate him too much. He's not bad -- I just wrote him that way!

Thanks for reading!

Oh angst and a hurt Spike and so many feelings. I don't want this story to end !

Oh, Spike. Why do I do these things to him?

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And All Was Said, Part 7 (Spike/Xander, NC-17)

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